Hearing that your loved one has died is one of those moments in your life that you will realise that all that went before will never be again.
When John died, I tried to revive him. I was screaming for him not to leave me, not to leave us. Grief is such a selfish emotion, but a necessary one. When the doctor told me they couldn't bring him back, well let's just say it wasn't pretty.
I had never seen a dead body before, never wanted to really, I was too scared. But I couldn't let them take him without me saying goodbye, one last time, as the warmth of his body dissipated. They didn't close his eyes, I did. He looked so peaceful. Even now, as I write this, my heart aches.
I thought my life had ended the night he died. I wanted my life to end too. I could not imagine life without him. But we have a daughter, she has been through too much to lose both parents, so I couldn't give up, could I? He would never have forgiven me. So I'll keep on, bring her up to be the best person she can be and maybe, one day I'll be fortunate enough to love and be loved again.
I'm just like you, struggling to come to terms with life and everything it throws at you!