It's been nearly seven weeks, since John "left" (died, and all its grammatical incarnations, is such a final word). No-one tells you that it gets harder, much harder, before it gets better. Stupid things that would normally be taken in your stride, become mountains of epic proportions. Today, for instance, our daughter went on a school trip, one night away from home, she was so exited to go. I remember at her age being petrified at the thought of being separated from my Mum. So I made it my mission to raise independent kids and she went off excited at the prospect of spending a night away from home, with her friends. This has put me in the, once coveted, position of being on my own for 36 hours. In the past this was something I took for granted. John and I didn't share a house, our life was too complicated for such banalities ;-) so he would have her stay with him over at his house for a few nights, to give me time to myself.
Now I don't know what to do with myself. I haven't been on my own for longer than a few hours since he died (there I said it) and whilst initially I was excited at the prospect, the novelty is fast wearing thin!
I have found that meditation and mindfulness is something that is now paying a huge part in my life. John wasn't a huge fan of meditation or mindfulness, but he was open minded enough to leave me to it when I started at the tail end of last year. Telling me not to do something is like a red rag to a bull, a worthy motivation! I started by re-reading The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. I'd dabbled with it way back in 2012/3 but the idea that you could just "think" things into your life seemed a bit fanciful to me. Although I was sufficiently inspired enough to pass it on to one of my closest friends, who made huge positive changes to her life from then on!
One of the biggest things that attracts abundance, be it love, health, wealth or general well being, is gratitude. The ability to try to find a positive out of a negative. I started keeping a notebook by the side of my bed that I wrote in each evening before I went to sleep. I re-run the day, finding the things I am grateful for, trying to forgive myself and others for mistakes made (this is the hardest part for me!) I always find something, even on the bleakest of days! And there have been many of them over the past few weeks!
This grief business sucks, some days you'll wake up and it's all "oh, this is a piece of cake, I loved him, he died, time to move on-wards and upwards!" Other times it's "why the hell did you have to die, you selfish b*****d?" or else it's "I'm lonely, I miss you, I want you to come back and tell me it was all a great big joke!" although to be fair with the latter one, there would be a very good chance I wouldn't be laughing!
So I will treat myself with love (that sounds so stupid doesn't it?), meditate and be mindful of the fact that this too will pass. Hug your loved ones, don't part on an argument, life is way too short and fragile!
I'm just like you, struggling to come to terms with life and everything it throws at you!